What my kids know about me:)

So I think most people saw my picture of Logan's writing from earlier this evening. "I am going to Target with my Mom." Wow...so as it turns out, he knows me pretty well. Over the past few months, I have come to realize that both kids know me REALLY well, actually. Some things I'd prefer they didn't know, but hey, that's part of being a family. (And I won't be sharing those things on here--sorry to disappoint.)

There are struggles that I have on a daily basis though, as someone who is managing Depression without medication. I cry...a lot. And it is really hard to control your emotions when they get to you, and sometimes even harder when your kids are around. We live in a 3-bedroom rancher, and it is super difficult to walk away from them to try to manage emotions. SO frustrating. Fortunately, the feelings typically pass soon after, but it is just incredibly frustrating. I hate that the kids know this about me, and it's even harder because Logan is very sensitive to my feelings. But I am working on it:)

Something else Logan and Addison know about me? I love, love, love to nap. I don't know why this is, but my best guess is because I work pretty hard all week between my job and being a mom. So when Addison lays down on Saturday afternoons...9 times out of 10 I'm laying down too. Todd HATES this about me, but I am so not giving up the nap. I'm just not. And Logan--he totally gets it:) He loves his sleep too!

Oh here's a good one: My car tends to get...well...a tad bit "unorganized." It's kind of a mess. I SWEAR I try really hard to keep it clean, and it's kind of a joke in the family. I do NOT know how it gets that way, but it just does. I can make excuses, like how I'm usually the one toting the kids around so I have all their stuff in the car. Or how all of my Thirty-One bags are kept in my trunk (because I don't have an office or closet for them to go between parties). It is what it is...what can I say?

I'm sure there are other little things they know about me. The fact that I love singing in the car. How I am a sucker for being a night owl, and letting them stay up with me on the weekend. That I don't fit into my clothes the way I wish I did. That Christmas is my favorite holiday and I start listening to Christmas music on November 1. They know a lot about me.

I guess that's part of being a close family...isn't it?

As Promised: I Bring You HAPPY

Things are happy for me today! Here is why I'm smiling:

I had my first day of parent conferences, and they were a success. Good, solid conversations. I am blessed with supportive parents this year!

I got to see some of my teammates and friends from DAIS tonight after conferences. I miss them SO much, and it's nice to know they haven't forgotten about me. I still feel strange, like I was never there...can't explain it.

I came home to a very happy Logan. Even though it was late, he read a book to me (one of his new BOB sight word books for Kindergartners) and he was SO proud! (So was I!) Then I got to read some Junie B. Jones to him. His teacher started reading this, and he loves having me read a chapter to him at night. My little man is growing up...sigh.

I get to sleep in tomorrow! Unless Addison wakes me up, that is. Conferences start at 12 and I absolutely LOVE that D-town gives us extra sleep time in the morning so we are good for the long haul:)

So, like I said...a happy day. A much-needed, very happy day.

It's finally all over with.

I decided to hold off on posting about the whole miscarriage thing until it was all over with and I could write about it with the right kind of perspective. As emotional as it was, I think I can now look back on it and reflect on everything in a more positive way. That said, there are a few things I've learned about this kind of loss.

#1: It doesn't matter if it's your third pregnancy.

I will never pretend to understand what it feels like to have infertility struggles. I have had far too many friends that I've seen go through this pain, and I am THRILLED to say that every single one of them as since been blessed with at least one child. I won't ever know that pain though, and I can't even come close to comparing that with what this felt like. I have the upmost respectful for anyone who has gone through this multiple times, trying desperately for a miracle. I will say though, that while the fact that I have two children already is a blessing, it doesn't make the hurt go away. So many people said that to me over the past few weeks..."you have two children already, so at least that's good." Todd and I are comforted with the knowledge that we can get pregnant again. But it doesn't make this suck any less.

#2: A gajillion people have had this happen to them.

I've heard it before, but you don't realize it until you start talking to people once it's happened to you. It's super common. Successful pregnancies are true miracles. Babies, no matter how they come to you, are an AMAZING thing....whether or not you carried them.

#3: It doesn't matter if it stopped growing at five weeks and that it was early.

Anyone who has seen that first pregnancy test (and the next five to follow), knows the feeling that your life is about to change. So when you think you are eight weeks pregnant, and you see a five week gestational sac with no heartbeat, it's still a lost baby to you. It does not matter when it stopped growing.

#4: I have a lot of amazing and supportive friends.

They didn't care that I ignored their phone calls because I was too upset when they were just checking in on me. They just wanted to know I was okay. I felt everyone's prayers, and my friendships are blessings enough for me. No matter what is happening in my life (my grandfather passing away, Penn State falling apart, THIS), I have my friends.

#5: Pain strengthens marriage.

What a month we've had. I sent Todd out tonight to dinner with his best friend (paid for by my 31 commission) to thank him for being the most amazing person I could have ever asked for. Honestly...while I was sleeping off the anesthesia, the guy was steam cleaning our carpets, checking on me every once in awhile to see if I needed anything. WHAT GUY DOES THAT? He's awesome. I love him.

And now I am done discussing this issue, and promise that my next post will be lighthearted and fun. Because it's the weekend. It's not like we have an Open House on Sunday to be cleaning for all day Saturday....or conference reports to finish for parent-teacher conferences next week...or lesson plans to write....sigh.

Penn State...after much thought.

Most people probably won't even read this, because they are so sick of hearing about everything with Penn State. But I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention my thoughts here about things. Not so much my thoughts on Joe Paterno, or Sandusky, or even the football program. I want to share my thoughts on Penn State.

When you spend four years at any institution, it becomes a temporary home. I obviously have many memories from my time there. I joined organizations, signed up for clubs, and of course kept busy with classes. My boyfriend at the time, Tom, was a big part of my time at Penn State. One of my fondest memories of all was participating in THON. Then...there was football.

Tom was a huge fan of Penn State football. That's probably an understatement, and you probably realize this if you took the time to look at his articles that were posted. Along with his influence, I also grew up in a family of Penn State football fans. My grandfather loved Penn State. My Uncle played for Penn State. My mom went to graduate school at Penn State. WE ALL loved Penn State. So of course, I was pretty jacked about being able to attend all of the season home games on Saturdays every fall. It was the one time where the whole campus felt like a single unit. Nothing like it. I remember standing with my friend Chris and getting nervous about the "pivotal third down." Or just trying to avoid the cups of soda that were being thrown at the Ohio State fans amongst the student section. In any case, I loved football Saturdays at Penn State. I was truly proud to be at Penn State. After graduation, I continued to support my school, and considered myself a proud alumnus.

Looking at everything that has happened, I have come to realize that I can still be Penn State proud. My experiences haven't disappeared, and neither have the many friends I made during my time there. I witnessed Penn Staters doing some pretty remarkable things to try to change the world while I was there. Small things, but good things. And the Penn State Dance Marathon? If you've seen it...well, you understand. Dancing was by far one of my biggest accomplishments in my 31 years, and I continue to support it. My degree in Elementary Education? Hard earned.

Watching the beginning of the game yesterday was refreshing. Because that, my friends, is what Penn State has always been, and will always be. It's about the students that make up the institution. It's about the accomplishments they've made and the places they've gone. It's about the things that they are DOING NOW to better the lives of our future generations. While the tragedy has happened, and it can't be ignored, I'm glad to know that my university--the students and alumni--are showing strength. Shame is turning back into healing, and I can honestly say that I am, for sure, proud to have attended Penn State University.

Six Years

Six years. I know it's cliche, but I really have no idea where the time went. My little Logan was supposed to be born on December 21, 2005. On October 21st, I made Todd take me to the hospital because I thought I might be leaking fluid. I was 31 weeks. I found out that night that my water had in fact started to leak, and I would not be leaving the hospital until Logan was born. Do you know how SCARY that is? I just remember asking the doctor, "He'll be okay, though, right?" I had read enough babycenter posts to know that 28 weeks was key...but what would happen at 31?

Luckily, after 2 1/2 weeks on hospital bed rest (and by far the most interesting/boring/restful time EVER), Logan hung in there to be born at 34 weeks exactly. He spent 2 weeks in the NICU. I remember driving to the hospital after I was released (even though I wasn't supposed to), and spending the whole day there holding his little finger, talking to him, singing to him, and just enjoying every moment...even if there were monitors stuck all over his teeny body.

So, on this sixth birthday, here's to the time I spent preparing for his arrival in the hospital, laughing so hard with Ali watching Antiques Roadshow, playing Sequence with Alicia and Shelley, having dressed up visitors in the hospital on Halloween, watching my Sinking Springs baby shower on the computer in the hospital, trying to get a nursery organized with a baby in the hospital, more friends visiting and supporting me than I could have imagined, ultrasounds every 3 days confirming that he was a boy and that yes, he was growing, my family baby showers several weeks after he came home from the hospital, and of course, remembering what it felt like to actually have him here at home with us after the 5 weeks of craziness.

I love him so so much. He's my little man, and he's a self-proclaimed momma's boy. Happy birthday, Logan:)

I Laughed Until I Cried

Tonight was a great night. A much-needed-friend-filled-good-food kind of night. I honestly can say that I don't remember the last time that I laughed so hard that I actually had tears, but yeah...it was that type of get-together. I guess that's one of the best parts of Thirty-One, is the chance to go out with girls to a "business meeting" to plan for our Celebrate and Connect meeting. We have these meetings every other month. At first, my Director, Ashley, held the meetings. Then I joined her several months later. The best part is that we now have FIVE leaders in Ashley's downline planning the meeting. And they are all my friends (best part.)

So back to the laughter...

Anyone who knew me in elementary/junior high/high school, knows I have always had a laughing problem. The kind where something just sets you off and you can.not.stop.laughing. Throughout school, I was asked to leave the classroom a number of times until I pulled it together. It was never intended to be rude...I just had a laughing problem, plain and simple.

Fast forward a few years to me as a grown up. The sad part is, I just don't laugh the way I used to anymore. Sure, there are occasions where I get a good chuckle in. I giggle on a daily basis with my students. But the big, hearty laugh that you just can't control? A rarity.

So given the events of the past few days, who would have thought that I would be able to laugh so hard on a night like tonight? All it takes is the right combination of girls, and it just sort of happens. I laughed so hard tonight that I drew tears. And it felt GOOD to just get it all out. I am pretty sure I'm going to have "aftershock" giggles too...you know, the kind where you are just sitting there and suddenly remember what was so funny, and you can't help but laugh (even when you are awake at 3 am and nobody even knows you are up). I'm laughing right now just writing this, as a matter of fact.

Thanks for the laughs tonight, girls...They were beyond much-needed:)

A Bitter Beginning

Yes, I did say I would start blogging on Friday. Obviously, it didn't happen exactly the way I planned.

I was hoping on Friday to have a special announcement. What would be a better way to begin this blog than with an ultrasound picture of baby #3, right? Well...things didn't exactly go as planned. Todd and I anxiously arrived at the doctor on Friday morning expecting to see a tiny baby with a heartbeat. I was hoping to be around 7-8 weeks along. What we saw....was a 5 week empty gestational sac. We were told that it looked like an early miscarriage, since I was nearly positive that I wasn't just 5 weeks along.

Devastated. I have never had a miscarriage, but of course it is your worst fear during the first trimester. To answer the question that everyone had: YES, we were open to having a third child. It wasn't an accident that I became pregnant.

We are faced with the following situation...Either we had a miscarriage and just need to wait to see what happens/have surgery (most likely) OR there is a VERY SLIM chance that I am somehow only 5 weeks along. I will be having an ultrasound on the 14th to check and see what the conclusion ends up being. Of course...I may find out before then.

All I can do right now is pray. I know it's in God's hands, and that he has a plan. I also find peace in my crazy little 2-year old and my all-grown-up-almost-6-year old. I get to hug them every day, knowing how blessed I am to be their Mommy. Nonetheless it's going to be one. long. week.

The good news is that I have some really fun things to look forward to this week...We will be planning our Celebrate and Connect Thirty-One meeting tomorrow night, so I get to have dinner with my girls. It's my first meeting as a SENIOR DIRECTOR! Wednesday is Logan's SIXTH birthday, so we will be celebrating Wednesday night as well. Definitely some fun events to look forward to!

So in the meantime...I am going to sit here, listen to Todd yell at the Steelers game, and just get mentally ready for the week. Say some prayers for me, would you?